Aligned mindset & holistic well-being articles

You thought you were doing better, and then one Tuesday morning, out of nowhere, it hit you again, the weight of it, the absence, the ache, and suddenly it felt like you were back at the very beginning, but you’re not back at square one. This is how grief actually works.

Although it can feel that way. And that feeling is one of the most confusing, isolating parts of grief that almost nobody talks about honestly. Grief is not a straight line. It never was. Understanding why can be the difference between surviving it and being consumed by it.

The Myth of the Stages

Where the idea came from

Most of us grew up hearing about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed this model in 1969. It was never meant to be a roadmap for how grief should unfold.

She observed patterns which she noticed in terminally ill patients facing their own deaths. Somewhere along the way, it became a prescription.

The problem is that prescriptions for grief are dangerous. When you believe grief should move through predictable stages, you start measuring yourself against a standard that was never designed for you. And when you inevitably don’t match it, you conclude there is something wrong with you.

There isn’t.

And in 2019, David Kessler, the grief expert, added the sixth stage of grief, Finding Meaning, in his book of the same name. In this book, David offers a perspective on how grief can be transformed into meaning, which in turn leads to healing. Remember, grief is personal, and it must be experienced to be understood.

What grief actually looks like

Grief is better understood as waves than stages. Some waves are massive and knock you off your feet. Others are small and manageable. Some arrive when you expect them on anniversaries, milestones, and holidays. Others come from nowhere: a smell, a song, a stranger who laughs the way they did, etc.

Researchers now describe this as the oscillating nature of grief. You move between loss-orientation, facing the grief directly, and restoration-orientation, rebuilding your life and sense of self. Both are necessary. Both are healthy. Neither cancels the other out. Grief is not linear, and what to do when it comes back.

Why We Try to Rush It

The social pressure to ‘move on’

Society is deeply uncomfortable with grief. After a socially acceptable mourning period usually measured in weeks, sometimes in months, there is enormous pressure, often unspoken, to return to normal. To be okay. To stop being sad in ways that make other people uncomfortable.

This pressure can come from well-meaning friends and family. It can come from workplace culture. It can come from the internal belief that needing too long means you’re weak or broken. Whatever its source, the effect is the same: you learn to perform wellness before you’ve actually arrived there.

The cost of the performed healing

When you rush grief or are rushed through it, you don’t skip it. You defer it. Grief has a way of re-surfacing eventually, often in disguised forms: anxiety, numbness, overworking, disconnection, short tempers, or a vague sense that something is permanently missing. The body and mind will always find a way to process what was never allowed to be felt. Grief is not linear, and what to do when it comes back.

Allowing grief to be non-linear is not wallowing. It is not a weakness. It is the only honest, natural and sustainable way through.

What to Do When the Wave Comes Back

Name it without judgement

When grief resurfaces unexpectedly, the first instinct is often to fight it. To tell yourself you shouldn’t be feeling this, that you were doing so well. Instead, try naming it simply and without judgement: ‘A wave is here.’ That’s all. You don’t need to analyse it or assign meaning to its return. You just need to acknowledge it.

Let it move through

Grief that is resisted tends to persist. Grief that is allowed is felt fully, however painful, and tends to pass. This doesn’t mean you have to be consumed by it. It means creating small windows of time when you let yourself feel what you feel, without distraction or apology. Even fifteen minutes of genuine presence with the emotion can release what hours of suppression cannot.

Return to your anchors

After the wave, you need anchors, those things that ground you in the present and remind you that life continues. These might be people, places, routines, or practices. They don’t need to be dramatic. A morning walk, a cup of tea, a phone call with someone who loves you. Anchors don’t erase the grief. They hold you steady while it passes.

A Word on Time

People say time heals. It’s not quite right. What time does it give you more experience, more context, and more distance? Healing, the actual integration of loss into a life that still has meaning, is something you actively participate in. Time is the container. You are the work.

Whenever the grief returns, even in smaller waves, remember it’s not a setback.  This is not evidence that you are broken or stuck. This is grief doing what grief does.

And you show up for yourself through another wave; that is exactly what healing looks like. I cover all this in my 1:1 coaching programme, which I designed specifically for high-achieving women who’ve lost loved ones. You can explore other ways we can work together here.

There comes a moment in life when everything that you built your identity around shifts. Not gradually. Not politely, but all at once. A loss. A burnout or unexpected health challnge. A life event you never saw coming, and suddenly the question isn’t What do I want next? Instead, it becomes: Who am I now? This is the space that requires you to redefine your purpose after a major life change.

The Myth of “Finding” Your Purpose

Purpose is not something you “find” like a missing object. It’s something you redefine. Most high-achieving women have spent years building a life that made sense on paper. Career. Relationships. Identity. Structure. These major life changes disrupt the structure you’ve built. And here’s the uncomfortable truth. What once gave your life meaning may no longer fit who you are becoming. That’s not failure. That’s evolution.

When Life Breaks the Old Identity

After a major life change, there is often an invisible identity collapse. You’re no longer:

• The partner you were
• The version of you that thrived in that career
• The person who once handled everything with ease

And yet, you’re not fully the “new you” either. This creates a tension that most people try to rush out of. And here’s a perspective shift: This space is not empty.  It’s creative. It’s where your next level of purpose is being formed quietly, beneath the surface.

Redefining Purpose Requires Letting Go First

This is where many people get stuck. They try to redefine their purpose while still holding onto their old identity. That’s like trying to redecorate a room that’s already full. And at some point, you have to ask:

• What version of me am I still trying to hold onto?
• What expectations no longer feel aligned?
• What am I afraid to release?

I would like to think that your purpose isn’t built on what’s familiar. It’s built on what’s true now.

The Shift: From Achievement to Alignment

Before any major life change, your purpose is often driven by:

• Achievement
• External validation
• Productivity
• Proving something

After a major life change, everything recalibrates. Purpose becomes less about doing more and more and more about being aligned.

Aligned with:

• Your energy
• Your values
• Your emotional truth
• Your capacity

And that’s where things get clearer; alignment often asks you to slow down while the world tells you to speed up.

A More Honest Way to Rebuild Your Purpose

Redefining your purpose isn’t about having a grand vision immediately; it starts smaller than that.

1. Notice What Still Feels Meaningful

Even in the hardest seasons, there are small things that feel grounding. Conversations. Creativity. Helping others. Quiet moments. That’s data. Your purpose leaves clues.

2. Pay Attention to What You No Longer Tolerate

Your standards change after life changes.

What once felt acceptable now feels draining. That’s not you being “difficult.”
That’s you becoming more discerning.

3. At the Start, Let Purpose Be Fluid

Here’s a thought that might challenge you:

What if your next purpose isn’t permanent? What if it’s a season? Taking the pressure off allows something more authentic to emerge.

4. Build From Lived Experience

The most powerful purpose is not theoretical. It’s lived. When you’ve walked through grief, burnout, health challenge and divorce, rebuilding becomes the foundation for impact. Not because it was easy. But because it was real.

The Quiet Rebuilding

Redefining your purpose can feel: Slow. Uncertain. Uncomfortable. Lonely at times

There’s no applause in this phase. No clear milestones, just small, internal shifts that eventually change everything. This is where depth is built. And depth creates unshakable purpose. This is at the heart of the work I now share through my 1:1 coaching sessions. I guide high-achieving women to intentionally rebuild and redesign sustainable strategies for their lives and businesses, and also redesign homes to support the season they are in following adversity. You can explore the best option for how we can work together.

A Different Kind of Success

If you’re in this season, maybe success is no longer about how much you can carry; it’s about how aligned your life feels when you wake up each day. Maybe purpose is no longer about proving your worth. It’s about expressing who you’ve become.

The Truth Most People Won’t Say

You won’t go back to who you were. And trying to will only delay what’s waiting for you. There’s an opportunity: You get to consciously choose who you become next. Not by default. Not by expectation. It’s by designing your new life. I call this well-being by design.

Redefining your purpose after major life changes isn’t about “starting over.” It’s about starting from experience. From depth. The truth. From a version of you that now sees life differently.

And that?

Is not a setback.

That’s an advantage.